You're just messing with me, right?
by mmiab
Summary: Just a little one-shot pointing out some things I find strange about some common Naruto fan fiction topics. Don't take it too seriously.


Naruto's vision slowly cleared, and his surroundings caused him to question whether or not he was truly awake. He'd just been beaten by some villagers until he'd passed out.

"Idiot, you know better than to go out on your birthday," he berated himself.

"**Indeed,"** a menacing voice growled from somewhere nearby.

Naruto's eyes widened in surprise. "W-who's there?"

"**I am the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the nine-tailed fox. I was sealed into you at your birth."**

"Well that explains a lot. You'd think someone would have mentioned it."

"**Even though I clearly hate you and am mostly apathetic towards your stupid life, I suddenly feel the urge to impart some of my skills and knowledge about what it takes to be a ninja,"** the Kyuubi growled to the blond child that stood before his cage.

"What would you know about being a ninja?" Naruto scowled at the giant fox. "You've been sealed inside people for the past three generations."

"**I am the immortal Kyuubi, I know far more than your puny human mind could ever fathom!"**

"Aren't you just a demon of pure chakra? And don't you basically fight by stomping around like a berserker?" Naruto asked with a accusatory glare. "That doesn't sound like a lot of help to me."

"**SILENCE, WHELP! I want to bestow a gift upon you, the eyes of the Sage of the Six Paths. Use them well."**

"Wait, since when can you do that?"

"**I'm the most powerful demon in the world, my chakra can remake your body however I see fit. I can do whatever I want."**

"Clearly," Naruto snorted. "You're talking about the Rinnegan, right? Eyes that can see and control all forms of chakra? And you're giving it to someone with nearly unlimited chakra? That doesn't seem very fair."

"**You're right, clearly you also need the first Hokage's mokuton ability."**

"Exactly, I need the...wait what?"

"**Giving you arguably the two most powerful abilities in the shinobi world will finally level the playing field for you against your enemies."**

"You and I have very different definitions of 'level playing field.'"

"**Would you like a Sharingan too?"** The Kyuubi asked, clearly misinterpreting the boy's grumbling.

"Please, just stop. Besides, I don't want to have mismatched eyes, I'd look goofy as hell."

"**Fine, I'll just give you a third eye on your forehead."**

"Can you do that? You know what, don't answer. The answer is no. Besides, what's so good about the Sharingan anyway? Aren't they just a devolution of the Rinnegan?"

"**Yes, but if I give you the Mangekyou Sharingan you can torture people for days, teleport, make yourself invulnerable, hypnotize them, and memorize any jutsu you see."**

"That seems a little unfair for people without them. Is there anything they can't do?"

"**Well, if you use them too often you'll cry blood and go blind."**

"That is literally the most emo thing I've ever heard. Do I have to wear eyeliner and talk about how sad and unfair my life is to use them?"

"**Most people do, but it's optional. But if you don't like the whole 'going blind thing' then I can give you the Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan that gets rid of all the negative effects of using them. Also, you get an impenetrable defense and the most powerful fire jutsu."**

"Now you're just making things up. I could halfway believe the first one with the bloody eyes and going blind, but no one could have eyes that do all that with no consequences. They would have conquered the entire world a hundred years ago."

"**Yes, you would think. But the first Hokage was powerful enough to stop their leader, even after he summoned me, with his mokuton ability and after that the Uchiha lived quietly in the village until they all were killed at the same time. Also, stop asking questions."**

"Wait, so the first Hokage defeated you, the one who destroyed most of the town a dozen years ago, and the leader of the overpowered emo-eye clan? With wood? I remember someone saying that the wood ability was just using water and earth together right?"

"**The mokuton ability suppresses the power of bijuu like myself."**

"How? And also, what?"

"**What did I say about questioning things? Don't think about it, it's awesome and cool. He created your entire village with it."**

"That's another thing. If the Uchiha leader could summon the Kyuubi, and the first Hokage could defeat them both and create a village, why does everyone in Konoha suck now? Wasn't that like 60 years ago? Most ninja now are lucky to know half a dozen jutsu and have enough chakra to fight for thirty minutes, and that's with fifteen minutes of dialogue and flashbacks thrown in. At this rate my kids will be lucky to take two steps on water without dying of chakra exhaustion."

"**What do you want from me, brat? I don't have the answers to life's great questions. Do you want my powers or not."**

"Fine, yes. But this'll probably take me like twenty years to learn how to use, right?"

"**Nope, probably like two weeks. Ignore the fact that it takes normal ninja tons of years to become adequate. You're Naruto and, despite your attention issues and obvious lower-than-average intelligence, you'll definitely surpass all the other people who've spent their lives learning and perfecting their skills. They obviously weren't willing to work hard enough at it. And if it does take a while, your enemies will miraculously decide not to start doing evil for several years and be kind enough to give out that information.**"

"I feel like you're making fun of me. Are you making fun of me? I feel like you're making fun of me."

"**I'm not, kit. I believe in you. The truth is, I care for you a great deal."**

Naruto closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, trying to alleviate the headache that was growing. He had a sneaking suspicion he wasn't going to like the way this conversation would go.

"And what do you mean by that?" He asked with trepidation.

"**I love you kit, I always have."**

Naruto sighed. "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but you're not really my type."

The Kyuubi laughed.** "Did you not know I was a female? And I'm a demon, I can take whatever form I wish."** She proved the point by turning into a beautiful woman, complete with fox ears and nine tails, wearing only a smile.

"Um, I don't think you understood me." Naruto said, making sure not to look at the naked woman in front of him. "It wasn't that you were a guy or a girl, it was more the whole 'demon that destroyed my village' thing."

**"Ah, well rest assured, you'll come around."**

"Ok, literally everything about this is stupid and weird. How am I supposed to be seduced by someone in my mind? And why would I be into someone who looks like an animal? I mean, you have tails!"

**"I'm sure we'll find something to do with them."** The Kyuubi said seductively, raising her eyebrows.

"No, we won't." Naruto said firmly. "Besides, everyone in this town gets a nosebleed from glancing at an ankle, how the hell am I going to handle something as perverted as sex with a furry? I'd die of blood loss."

**"I always thought the nosebleeds were strange. It probably has to do with chakra or being a ninja or something."**

"Anyways," Naruto said as he started backing away from the cage. "I'm going to go now, but this has been fun. Really it has. We'll have to do this again soon."

**"Anytime, lover boy."**

Naruto shuddered as he brought himself back to the waking world.


End file.
